daisies from my kingdom

[machinery]

i had a kingdom,
hidden in the woods,
behind all fields and roads.

every day i ran down
the heart of the barnyard,
waded through waterways
and
corn waves and hopped
the wooden fence
to reign.

my kingdom was in the clearing
wrapped in thorn and underbrush
surrounded by tall oaks
and the winding creek.

small kick splashes
and cannonball stomps
surfaced hidden
rib-bits.
how afternoons were spent
snatching frogs!

a rock throw west,
the oaks arched back,
allowing the sun
to rest its head.

barefoot and angelic,
i roamed the trails,
breaking branches and bruising
bark with carved initials.

i followed the day's shine
to find daisies painted
upon the forest's floor.

the birds circled
my crouched form, observing
me sneaking their treasures,
but i only felt the sun burning
my back.

barefoot and angelic,
i ran and wailed,
booming echos slid into the canopy
as i escaped the forest, birds
shifted
their positions.

wind whistled in my
ears, underbrush scratched
my ankles and corn husks
struck my cheeks.

in the barnyard,
i caught my breath
to soon stand tall
by my mother's apron,
presenting her daisies
and asking what's for
supper.
_______

[Hannibal]

I absolutely love this -
I just... man. It's awesome.

Below - i'll post some of my favorite selections..

small kick splashes
and cannonball stomps
surfaced hidden
rib-bits.
how afternoons were spent
snatching frogs!

...

barefoot and angelic,
i roamed the trails,
breaking branches and bruising
bark with carved initials.

...

barefoot and angelic,
i ran and wailed,
booming echos slid into the canopy
as i escaped the forest, birds
shifted
their positions.

...

in the barnyard,
i caught my breath
to soon stand tall
by my mother's apron,
presenting her daisies
and asking what's for
supper.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">This one was wonderfully written.
really nice job.

[machinery]

thanks man.

hey, another i rambled on the typewriter. did you get yrs yet?

TWers are great when you're blocked. they're just fun to use. sit down. make noise. and words at the same time. fun. and then, from yr brain, spews
incredible trains of thought, fucking choo choo charging!

you just have to hop on.


okay about the piece:

anything you didn't like?
anything didn't fit?
word choice?
anything sound awk?

just as much as we post, we need to critique. we need to be serious about our writing. and by doing both of these, we will realize more, understand more.

we need to be frank, but just.

tell me what you think.

[Hannibal]

Well - I mean honestly - I felt this peice was very solid.
Solid to the point where I wouldn't know how to properly approach Critiquing it.

There were a few spots when I felt more "detail" was needed. The kind of detail you put into your other work. But - then at the same time, that would ruin what you have here.

Which is a memory of childhood. To me the lack of indepth crazy description - signifies the simplicity similar to that as a youth.

Which I think is exemplified by this line alone..

how afternoons were spent
snatching frogs!

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I thought most of the poem was pretty straight forward, giving a nice simple view of what was happening, but the following stanza's seemed a little.. "out of place"

a rock throw west,
the oaks arched back,
allowing the sun
to rest its head.

...

i followed the day's shine
to find daisies painted
upon the forest's floor.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hints of your regular descriptiveness lie in those two stanza's which in my opinion - make them stand out a bit - different from the rest of the work.

Just rambling [img]smile.gif[/img]
I dunno if any of that makes sense. [img]smile.gif[/img]

<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ March 04, 2005 08:49 AM: Message edited by: Hannibal ]</font>